The night before Grey was born I wrote a letter to him, although at the time I didn't know it was a him. So here's that letter.
A letter to my unborn second child.
It’s July 14th 2015, 10:30 at night. I’m laying in my bed thinking about your arrival tomorrow. Thinking about everything I’ve been through that led me to this point. When I was in labor with your older brother Jackson there was fetal heart distress. The medical team advised me that a C-section was my safest option, as Jackson would most likely endure complications if I continued to labor & have a traditional birth. I was super scared but all I wanted was for my baby to be healthy, and this was my best chance of that so I consented and Jackson was born via C-section. The recovering was hard. Now looking back, I didn’t really realize how hard it was because it was the only thing I knew (and I guess the only thing I still know).
As Jackson got older your father and I knew that we wanted another child. I thought 2 years apart would be the perfect spacing, and that’s what I tried for. That’s when I learnt my first lesson- you can’t control when babies come. In April of 2014 I found out I was pregnant and I was ecstatic! It gave me a due date of beginning of January 2015- almost exactly 2 years apart. Then on mothers day of May 2014 I went to the ER with severe cramping & bleeding to be told that I had miscarried. I was absolutely devastated. I had planned so perfectly to have my first two children 2 years apart. It took 6 months of negative pregnancy tests till I saw those two pink lines again. I know in hindsight 6 months is not a long time. But after suffering from a miscarriage it felt like a lot longer.
Ever since I found out I was pregnant it was difficult for me to accept. I know you’re in there. I can feel you moving, I’ve heard your heartbeat, I’ve seen you on an ultrasound. But part of me for the last 9 months hasn’t accepted it. I’ve been so afraid that something will happen. During my first trimester I was terrified of another miscarriage. Then once I passed the “safety” of 13 weeks, I was still terrified something would happen to you. As I got closer to my due date I still feared that you wouldn’t make it through child birth. In fact your Nana even asked me about why I hadn’t started nesting yet. I hadn’t set up a single thing for your arrival. She wanted to go through the baby clothes and wash them and get them ready for you arrival. I just broke down in tears and told her how I have a terrible feeling something is going to go wrong and I’m going to come home from the hospital with no baby and the last thing I want to deal with is putting away a bassinet & clothes & baby decorations.
Last week my Dr sent me for an ultrasound, apparently I’m measuring 44 weeks pregnant when I’m only 39. At the ultrasound they took measurements of you, as best as they could with the technology they have and determined you’re a big healthy baby…. 99th percentile for height & weight with your head measuring off the charts (don’t worry your brother’s head also was off the charts). With their predictions of your weighing over 10lbs and the fact that I was measuring so far ahead they labeled me as a high risk pregnancy.
Since Jackson was a C-section I was already somewhat high risk but the medical world was going to allow me to try to have a traditional labor with you (a VBAC). Alberta health’s policy is to not induce. So I needed to go into labor naturally with you, or they were going to do a C-Section.
My mother had all 5 of her children via C-Section as she was unable to go into labor naturally. With Jackson I went 10 days overdue and had to be induced as I was not going into labor naturally. So I was really scared with you that I would not be able to go into labor naturally. I tried every trick in the book… walking a ton every day, bouncing on a medicine ball, eating pineapple & spicy food. I even used essential oils, acupressure points & more! Aaaannd nothing happened. Once I got to my due date I tried even more drastic measures to bring on labor, drank this nasty ‘Midwife Cocktail’….. twice! And still nothing. I finally resorted to drinking an entire bottle of Castor Oil, apparently a ‘fool proof ‘ way to go into labor when you’re overdue. And all these things did was make me a little sick & spend some extra time in the bathroom, but no labor.
So now at a week overdue I’ve had numerous consults with different Dr’s and specialists about the safest option for delivery for myself and for you. I would love nothing more than to bring you into the world the “traditional” way but in the end I decided that a c-section would be safest for you & for me. This was not a decision I took lightly. It was one that weighed heavily on my mind, one that I prayed about. I received blessings from your father & from your Grandpa Lee to help me to have clarity and inspiration to make the best decision for us.
I love you so much already and can’t wait to see your face tomorrow.